Holding On
by dancerindisguise
Summary: When he found her she was lying on the hardwood floor, her knees tucked to her chest and her body wracking violently with sobs. Angst-ish-y Pete/Addison.


**AN: So, my very first Private Practice fic. I'm nervous and I'm not sure what made me finally decide to do this but here. Review, please! I'd really like to know how completely out of character I made Pete/Addison. (:**

**Disclaimer: All of it belongs to other people. Wanna sue me for lint? You can have it for free!**

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When he found her she was lying on the hardwood floor – their hardwood floor – her knees tucked to her chest and her body wracking violently with sobs. She looked so vulnerable, so unlike the way she usually looked, that he was ashamed, maybe, he thought. Maybe even scared to intrude on that complete hopelessness that surrounded her. But she needed him and he knew it.

He rounded on her and squatted to the ground. "Addie? Addison?" she was silent but for the convulsing whimper of her tears, and that made it all the more worse for him. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head slowly and curled deeper into herself, if that was possible. "You sure you don't want to tell me now?" a nod, slowly. "Would you like me to stay?" a more enthusiastic nod, now. "Okay. Comfortable?" a shake. Obviously not. While the hardwood was increasingly 'cute', as she put it, he highly doubted it was that great for lying on. "Addison, I'm gonna… I'm gonna take you upstairs, okay?" she sniffled softly, which he took as a sign of acquiescence.

She was light, he realised as he scooped her into his arms. Lighter than she usually felt, and he had felt her very often. As the ascended the stairs of their home, he wracked his brain trying to come up with one good reason why she would be lying on the floor crying like a child. He came up with nothing. She had seemed so happy at work, he'd even called her crazy for the first time in such a long time. But he had left early today – it was one of those days when he got off earlier than her, and she always told him to just leave first. So he had gone for a beer and when he got home, she was lying on the floor. She had been hyper when he left, he remembered. Hyped up about the latest delivery.

Maybe that was it. Maybe she was crying because the delivery didn't go so well.

Whatever it was, she was hurting now, and he wanted to know what was making her hurt. Needed to know, even. There wasn't anything he could do, anything he could say until he knew what it was that was wrong.

As he lay her down on their bed, she curled back into the ball and continued sniffling. "Addie, honey, I need to know what's wrong so I can fix it, okay?" she nodded, but otherwise remained totally unresponsive. "You want to talk?" At this there was a vigorous shake of the head that he took to be a vehement no. "Okay."

At that she all but resumed crying where she had left off, her fists gently beating against the soft material of their blanket. He looked at her and felt love. Aching, tiring love, because she was in pain and he could do nothing about it until he was sure it was a delivery gone bad. He felt his heart pulling itself to pieces at not being able to help her, not be able to save her. Maybe Charlotte King really was right and he really was scared of not being able to save people.

He sighed. "Addie…" but with no response except for the occasional muffled sniffle or sob, he knew she wasn't going to be saying much until she had finished crying. So, he realised, he was going to have to help her. "Addie," he leaned in and sat on the edge of the bed. She'd always told him not to do that, said it spoiled the ergonomics or whatever, but he did it anyway. "Addie." You have to listen to me."

A strong, hair flying over face shake of the head. Not listening.

"Fine." He lay down next to her and hugged her close to him. She resisted, pulling further into her ball while entrenching his arms between her ribcage and her thighs, but then, probably seeing the futility in pulling away, relented and picked up the crying instead. "Sshh…" he soothed, running his free hand through her hair. "Addison, you have to listen. Whatever happened was not you. It was never you, and it will never be your fault. Whatever happened just did, and there was nothing you could do about it." He could hear her breathing evening out because the shaking had stopped, but she was still not talking. Not talking Addison was a very different one from the usual Addison.

"You wanna know something? Remember Nicole Clemmons, the runner? I told her there was no choice but to stop running, but she refused. And then we found that… crap, in her bag and I thought, well, this is all my fault. And I was almost sure it was, too. I was so sure I had almost single-handedly killed the career of one of this country's most promising athletes. And do you know how absolutely _crap_ that made me feel?" he paused, as if considering this. "Well, I didn't cry on the floor, because there wasn't anyone who would come and save me from my back before I fell asleep and woke up the next day and couldn't move, but I was pretty damn close."

He thought he could almost hear hr chuckle, just a little.

"But then Charlotte King told me it wasn't really me. She said she owed me one for the sleep remedy. I don't know if I would have pulled myself out of that funk if it weren't for her."

He almost thought she was going to put in some snide remark about Cooper and Charlotte, but instead,

"She died, Pete."

He was momentarily shocked. "Wait, what?"

"My patient. She died while giving birth to her baby. And I could have stopped it, but I didn't because I was too focused on saving the baby." She squirmed in his embrace and turned to face him. Even teary-eyed and puffy, she still looked stunning. "She _died_. And it was my fault. All my fault. A healthy eight pound twelve ounce baby with no mother, and it was me."

Because she seemed on the verge of breaking down again, he ran a hand up her shoulder to play with her hair. "You know it wasn't you. You know it."

She seemed to have reached an epiphany of her own after that, because she sighed. "God, it seems so… stupid, once I think about it. I've had people die before. This… is no big deal. I'm—"

"You're Addison Montgomery, double-board certified neonatal surgeon. Exactly. One of the best in your field, blah blah blah." When She punched him in the shoulder, he knew for real that she was going to be okay.

She sighed, a 'letting it all out' sigh.

"We're good, right?" he asked, pressing her closer to him.

"We're good."

And even though she wasn't crying any longer, he held her for a while more just to make sure she knew how much she was to him.


End file.
